I have never written about sex. I suspect many who read this will tell me I never should again.
You can blame Yale University administrators and the folks at Yale Health. They made me do it.
When William F. Buckley, Jr., wrote “God and Man at Yale” 70 years ago, his screed against his alma mater attacked secularism and liberalism. “If the recent Yale graduate, who exposed himself to Yale economics during his undergraduate years, exhibits enterprise, self-reliance, and independence, it is only because he has turned his back on teachers and texts,” he wrote.
The acid-tongued father of the modern American conservative movement didn’t know the half of it.
Buckley would be turning over in his grave if he had read Yale University’s new public health and guidance protocols, issued as students finally return for in-person learning.
Yale asks “that all members of the Yale community commit to” the “Safer Sex During COVID-19” guidelines.
Pathetically paternalistic, the recommendations insult the intelligence of young Ivy Leaguers, assume they can’t think for themselves, normalize unhealthy behavior, and are just plain weird.
WARNING #1: GRAPHIC CONTENT: This first part isn’t really that graphic, but I did want to warn any of you who have delicate sensibilities.
Among the guidelines for safer sex are a series of gems that state the obvious:
Don’t have sex with people who have COVID. I’m serious. They actually wrote this: “Do not engage in sexual activity with anyone experiencing COVID-19 symptoms or who has tested postive (sic).” I guess students whose SAT scores average in the mid-700s couldn’t figure that out. And, yes, Yale misspelled “positive.”
Safest sex partner. “You are your safest sex partner.” That’s in bold, large font. Duh.
Don’t have a sex partner. “Masturbate,” the guidelines say. Really. At least they don’t feel compelled to explain to students what that is.
Use toys. Why a university needs to suggest that students use sex toys will forever be beyond my comprehension. Seemingly to justify its advice, Yale helpfully adds links to COVID sex tips, including some from New York City and the American Sexual Health Association. The latter suggests washing the sex toys for 20 seconds with soap and water. It forgets to recommend singing “Happy Birthday,” preferably, in this context, in the breathy voice of Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK.
Masks. Suggesting students “spice it up,” the guidelines get creative: “Use this time to liven up your sex life while staying safe. Though wearing a mask while having sex might not be your thing, it is a good way to add a layer of protection, especially since heavy breathing can spread the virus further.” I swear, I’m not making this up. Could Yale be punking us?
Have phone sex. “Consensual virtual connections over the phone or on web platforms can be ways to interact socially and sexually without exchanging fluids.” Good to know.
Avoid group sex. Yale’s tips don’t expressly mention this, but the three links they provide as sources go into extensive detail, especially New York’s, which says people should avoid sex parties. Then it says that if you must, you should only go to sex parties that are in “larger, more open and well-ventilated spaces,” “bring and use alcohol-based hand sanitizer,” and “wear a face covering.” OK then.
WARNING #2: REALLY GRAPHIC CONTENT: This time, I mean it. You might want to just skip to where it says “safe to start reading again.”
Avoid rimming. I asked a couple of dozen people of various ages if they knew what rimming was and only one, a college student, immediately knew what it meant. Yale, however, wants to make sure its students “think twice” about it. Specifically, the tips say: “Rimming or any sexual activity that involves putting your mouth on the anus, might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth and potentially cause an infection. Consider pressing pause for now.”
Let me get this straight, Yale: You are concerned about rimming because students could get COVID, but neglect to mention that it can also transmit bacteria that can be deadly (E.coli and shigella), serious viruses (Hepatitis A and B), parasites, and all sorts of sexually transmitted diseases?
In Yale’s defense, the sources it links to are very concerned with rimming too. The act was also portrayed in the television series “Girls,” and featured in articles in Salon and Cosmopolitan. The latter even published a piece in April titled “What is rimming? An expert guide to giving a rim job.” I passed on reading the details.
I don’t have a problem with anyone who wants to rim or be rimmed.
Still, Yale apparently prefers to be “cool” and bring attention to rimming than to be concerned about normalizing a practice that can have serious health consequences. If people who are engaged in sexual activity have reached the point of rimming, don’t Yale experts think transmission of COVID would have already occurred?
Safe to start reading again.
I hate to beat up on Yale (not really, I went to Harvard), but an admittedly brief search, along with emails, calls, and texts to multiple people associated with more than a dozen colleges failed to turn up anything as nutty as these “tips.”
For the last 18 months we have been told repeatedly to social distance and wear masks. Does Yale really think students can’t figure out that the close proximity of sex might lead to COVID transmission? Or that promiscuity is an especially bad idea at the moment?
I firmly believe that consenting adults have every right to do whatever they want to sexually as long as they don’t harm anyone, and that the government should stay out of people’s bedrooms.
Universities might want to as well.
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Photo credit: Sterling Memorial Library, Yale University, June, 2019 (via Creative Commons)