The Dunces of May: The Month's Most Foolish Politicians and Pundits
Division, Shrinking Penises, Satanic Aliens and George Orwell
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I’m a little late in publishing my May “dunces” column, but I’m recovering from surgery and there’s been a lot of other news to distract me.
I’m headlining this monthly search for unintelligent life in the American political class with President Biden. Until now, I had stayed away from naming current and former presidents as my top “dunces,” in part because they’re such easy targets. Maybe we will have a U.S. president someday who does not make the “dunces” list on a monthly basis. I’m not holding my breath.
Wasn’t He Supposed to Be a Unifier?
During his campaign for president, Joe Biden repeatedly claimed that he would unite the country. In fact, a major Biden PAC was called exactly that: “Unite the Country.” It was even the theme of his inauguration: “America United.”
He also repeatedly called for unity in his inaugural address saying, “To restore the soul and to secure the future of America – requires more than words. It requires that most elusive of things in a democracy: Unity. Unity.” He added, “This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward." Biden mentioned unity and bringing people together more than a dozen other times in his address.
So, what did he do in May? He proceeded to harshly attack Trump supporters, arguing that “This MAGA crowd is really the most extreme political organization that’s existed in American history, in recent American history.”
I am no fan of the fringe factions in any of the parties, certainly not of those in the GOP, including the extremists who attacked the Capitol on January 6, as I have frequently written. But calling the “MAGA” crowd the most extreme political organization in American history ignores domestic terrorists on the left and right, and extremists on both sides who may not call for violence but who effectively advocate the destruction of our democracy and free-market system.
Biden also overreacted to the leaked draft of the Supreme Court’s abortion decision (you can read my thoughts about that draft opinion here). He asked: “What happens if you have a state change the law saying that children who are LGBTQ can’t be in classrooms with other children?” Of course, nobody is proposing that and it is an enormous leap to interpret the language of the draft ruling to allow the constitutionality of discriminatory laws like those Biden suggests.
THE DUNCE RATING
For ridiculous hyperbole (without subsequent apology or correction) that can promote division instead of the unity he professes to want, Biden deserves:
Couldn’t Alex Jones Have Just Bought a Sports Car?
I realize that awarding “dunces” to conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is as unnecessary as calling Albert Einstein a genius, but the radio host outdid himself in stupidity in May.
Already facing bankruptcy after losing defamation lawsuits for his odious claims that the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was a hoax, Jones went bonkers with what may be his strangest conspiracy theory yet. He claimed “Sperm counts are down 96%” and that chemicals in the liners of soft-drink cans are causing men’s penises to dramatically shrink: “That’s why genitals, I don’t care if you’re black or white, are a third of the size they were of a 1960s male … If your daddy’s Johnson was a foot long, yours is six inches. If yours is six inches, your son will be three inches, on from there they won’t even have a penis!”
Alex Jones, the founder of right-wing media group Infowars, addresses a crowd of pro-Trump protesters after they storm the grounds of the Capitol Building on January 6, 2021 in Washington, D,C. (Jon Cherry/Getty Images)
This was not a skit on “Saturday Night Live” making fun of Alex Jones. This was the real Jones, on his May 19, 2022 “Infowars” show. SNL writers, at their most imaginative, couldn’t come up with such sheer lunacy. Here’s the video:
To be fair, some studies have found far smaller declines in sperm count (and they’ve been partially partially debunked and may not translate to a decline in male fertility). Also, small studies have found some penis shrinkage connected to chemicals, but they’ve been questioned.
If that lunacy from Jones isn’t enough for you, this is the dunce on May 24, accusing the folks at the World Economic Forum in Davos of plotting the end of the earth in conjunction with aliens: “This is a satanic, alien attack ... Humans will be gone and a new species is being created, and they are making aliens - merging humans with animals. This is the end of the earth!”
Jones has also started promoting a conspiracy theory blaming recent monkeypox cases on COVID vaccines.
Normally, I pay little attention to loons like this, but many people still listen to him despite the fact that many social media sites have banned him, and Jones/InfoWars’ comments have led to serious incidents. In one case, Jones had to apologize for propagating the Pizzagate conspiracy theory that led to shots being fired inside a D.C. restaurant.
THE DUNCE RATING
Alex Jones’ and Infowars’ innumerable lies and conspiracy theories richly deserve:
Self-Destruction 101
I hate to pile on when somebody is down, but few people more richly deserve it Congressman Madison Cawthorn.
The North Carolina Republican and youngest member of Congress could have written his own ticket in the Trump wing of the Republican Party but hubris has just destroyed his congressional career. Even though 95% of members of the U.S. House get reelected for subsequent terms, Cawthorn managed to not even get to the general election, losing in the GOP primary.
Rep. Madison Cawthorn speaks before a rally for former U.S. President Donald Trump at The Farm at 95 on April 9, 2022, in Selma, N.C.. Trump endorsed Cawthorn, but the scandal-plagued freshman congressman lost his primary in North Carolina's 11th Congressional District on May 17, 2022. (Allison Joyce/Getty Images)
His wide range of misbehavior, from unsubstantiated claims of orgies with other members of Congress, to trying to take loaded handguns onto planes, taking knives onto school property, accusations of insider trading, and allegations of sexual harassment, condemned him, for now, to the ash heap of political history.
THE DUNCE RATING
For losing an election by single-handedly undermining his own chances, Cawthorn deserves:
Paging George Orwell’s Ministry of Truth
I think it’s fair to assume that most of my regular readers are a pretty educated bunch. So, I put this to you: If you heard the federal government had created something called the Department of Homeland Security Disinformation Governance Board, wouldn’t “thought police,” “doublethink,” “Ministry of Truth,” “Big Brother” and other Orwellian terms immediately come to mind?
I guess nobody in the Biden administration read “1984.”
To be clear, viral lies, disinformation, misinformation, and malinformation are major problems that contribute to sowing division in the U.S. and can even threaten national security on many levels (I’ll write more on that in an upcoming column on the 1/6 hearings).
The Orwellian comparisons may have been somewhat unfair, especially because the board had little, if any power to make operational decisions or shut down any kind of speech.
But one person’s misinformation is another’s information, as the fallout over the reporting on Hunter Biden’s laptop and the COVID lab leak amply proves. Having the federal government tell you what’s fiction and what’s not can be fraught with political undertones and ambiguity.
Additionally, this heavy-handed effort was doomed from its announcement on April 27th by a major right-wing media and social media onslaught, much of it aimed at the so-called “truth czar” named to run the board, Nina Jankowicz. While the 33-year-old had significant credentials, some of her online posts gave critics plenty of ammunition to attack her, leading to what ironically were mostly disinformation campaigns about her.
Making matters worse, the Biden administration further botched the rollout by not fully briefing the relevant members of Congress, their staff, or House committees about the board and its mission.
Officials were also caught flat-footed by the social media attacks, which could hardly have been more predictable.
No wonder the board became a thing of the past in just three weeks when it was declared dead on May 18.
THE DUNCE RATING
For miserably misreading public sentiment on the creation of a disinformation board, choosing an easy-to-attack name for it, not rolling it out properly, and then not knowing how to defend the importance of combating disinformation while the internet burns with it, DHS and the Biden administration deserve:
Those are my mildy truncated dunces for May. I promise to have far more for you in my June “dunces” column, which will be delivered to your inboxes in very early July.
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Cover photo: President Joe Biden speaks as Director of the Office of Management and Budget Shalanda Young, left, and Assistant to the President and Chair of the Council of Economic Advisers Cecilia Rouse listen during an event at the Roosevelt Room of the White House May 4, 2022, in Washington, D.C. President Biden delivered remarks on economic growth, jobs, and deficit reduction, but also called Trump slammed Trump supporters saying, the "MAGA crowd is really the most extreme political organization that’s existed in American history." (Alex Wong/Getty Images)